A New Farmerette......

...joined me this evening for my now well spaced apart and reluctant visits to the "Ranch". Standing 6ft 7 and ever widening Ian Mullderrig of the Mayo had the pleasure of experiencing the randomness of a trip out to do a "quick 5 minute job"!

Things got to a fine start, after the day stuck under the heavily hail stoned roof of LIT library a trip to the open and green country was a welcome change. First stop, Carrigatoher to throw a "quick eye" on a cow that might be near calving for the aul fella.

We drive in the ever deterioting lane and note that the heavily pregnant cow was considerable distance away across a field. A quick debate ensues on how wet the field is and how good Audi can make 4 wheel drive cars. Only one way to call it, drop the fence and the shoe and hit the field running.....with disastrous consequences! A good 10 m of slipping and sliding and the car decided to go only one direction: down! After a few minutes of "I told ya so's" and "shes some yoke", we got the car moving and down the field, Leaving behind 2 fine potato drills and coating the Audi in a fine coat of brown (even a little inside).

Shite Everywhere

Then the real drama struck, down to the labor ward (or the "far field" as its more commonly known in these parts) and no sign of the mother to be! Being a little confused as to what cow was actually thinking about popping a calf and very confused as to where she was meant to be I wasn't too concerned...until the ditch started shaking! Hadn't the fecking idiot of a cow turned herself upside down while trying to calf inside of a dyke with her leg wrapped around the electric fence! And if that wasn't bad enough hadn't the young fella decided to come along and stick his head out to see if the world was ready for him. It wasn't, and he couldn't get in or out now!

Back to the car with a right pep in my step, informed Ian of the quickly escalating 5 minute job and his upcoming role as midwife. He looked at his clean jeans and white runners rather nervously but signed up nevertheless! Electric fence off and tractor in tow we return to ward 1.

Now, how do you get a 800kg cow out of a ditch who's bolloxed from proceeding's out of a ditch with out making a cunt of her altogether. Not an iota. But with the electric wire off and removed, she started to vent some of her anger on her two new midwives. So taking advantage of her new found dislike of us we called her a few names and generally goaded her, resulting in her anger increasing and a few lunges forward. A few more comments about her weight and wrinkles later and she lunged right out of the hole and back onto solid ground.

Cow out of hole. Problem 1 solved. Problem 2: get calf out of cow! Being rather unequiped and under skilled at this I probably should have enlisted the help and knowledge of some one more educated in said situations. But I couldn't have young Ian seeing me struggle with some thing so I just dove right in. Struggling to get my left arm in to places where I'd rather not have my left arm in I realised that the watch would have to come off. Then on with two straps onto poor "Magdogs" legs (yes, Ian took the liberty of christening the poor bollox! He was slightly more optimistic about his survival than I was!) and we start pulling and pulling and low and behold.....nothing happened. The fucker was rightly stuck and her Majesty in front was still sulking from our fat comments and would not assist us. So a new use was found for a tire lever (magic items, never leave home without one!) and the calf was pulled clean from the cow. A magical moment for Ian, I think a tear even came to his eye when the cow turned and licked the calf for the first time. Tear quickly turned to fear when she got the power back in her legs and ran at us till we jumped into the tractor for safety!

A bit bolloxed after proceedings!

Happy with our evening of chaos the Motherload is contacted and sandwiches made. The car has lost its ability to tell me its speed and is vibrating like crazy. 8 euro car wash later and its a tiny bit cleaner. And my 350euro watch which I removed for safe keeping? God only knows where it is.........

Proof that the patient survived!

Poultry swinger's!

My dear cock and one of his mistresses were missing from their home stead when I got back from the Cois Fairige festival yesterday. My five minute job of just feeding the family turned into an hour long search of the farm yard and surrounding tree's! After giving up the ghost and about to concede defeat to some sly fox I hear a familier crow, but from where? The randy rooster and horny hen had gone to a swinging party being hosted in the neighbours hen house! I walked in the door to find a right session on, a meal trough in the middle of the floor and a couple of sets of tractor key's in it. We left them to it after the queen herself explain'd quite firmly she'd have no interest, (after which I ran quickly back for my own keys)
Yours Poultry
Jay

D day is coming!

When you buy little chicks with the view of raising them as meat the day they have to meet the chopping board is so far in the future that you never really give it any consideration. But that day is approaching, fast! There is 4 bird's getting too fat to walk now so they have to meet there end! Will I be able to do it? Await further posts!

21 days later.....

....and no eggs hatched- This my fellow farmers and farmerettes is a bad sign! My delightful granduncle must have killed my developing brood when he killed power to my incubator! Old people and their fear of "the electric" will never be overcome methinks!

After a long wild wet poultry free weekend at the "Electric Picnic" festival I came home to find all my stock alive and well and considerably happier and content looking. Maybe by doing nothing I would be a better farmer, or more likely, the fact that we have moved to a new premises! I now have a large shed for my feathered stock and hopefully (fingers crossed) the rats and other such vermin wont find us!

Money wise I managed to sell my beloved old ex military land rover and can now fund the purchase of more stock! I did make the mistake and blow most of it on attending the above mentioned weekend but lads, I did need a break from all this hard work I'm doing. So, talking to a fella today for day old broilers and should now have a steady weekly supply of about 30 birds!

Also, to your utter amazement, my poultry has made me there first few yo yo's. I wont embarras myself by astucally divulging the financails but there was somebody out there who taught my hen ark was a good idea, and even went as far as paying me for the privilage of owning it. Now I have got a message a couple of days later complaining that the hens I included have yet to lay an egg but fingers crossed... And anyway, I have my money!!


Yours,
Poultry in Motion,

Jamie

Murder bloody murder!!!

I’m taking a break from the market today, well not quite the market but the collection of people I seem to be befriending. It peaked last week when I sold some old surveillance equipment to a chap. He starts by explaining his passion with electronics. He explains that ever since he got beat up he has loads of free time so he spends it working on small electronic projects and the like. “Poor fella, wonder what happened him” I think to myself. He goes on to explain that he was beat up by a 38 yr old kick boxer. “Was he trying to steal some money?” I enquire innocently. Not at all, it seems my new buddy was “accused” of shouting profanities over the ditch at Jackie Chans wife so got a pounding for his actions. And then, “from the corrupt justice system” received 12 months in jail. Currently under appeal, my buddy has a foolproof way of getting it thrown out of court. Unknown to the corrupt police and judge, he used to be a policeman and has gone to the ends of the earth to discredit the prosecution. He’s discovered that the “squeaky-clean” superintendent over his case is not so squeaky clean after all…. His uncle committed suicide 50 yrs ago! Armed with this new “shocking” revelation, this man hopes to clear his name. I will be at that court case, Dictaphone in hand!





Unfortunately, my bad luck continued throughout the week. I wake Monday morning (head sore, seems to be a trend of Mondays) I look upon my healthy and thriving shed of poultry, but there’s something amiss? I can’t here my constant squeaking of my beloved little ducklings! There gone!, a hole tunnelled into their enclosure, a dirty fecking rat decided to feast on my ducks, lucky he couldn’t reach my plum tree for sauce! Grieving over my furry little friends I check the rest of my herd. Carnage ensues; there is a turkey, caught in a pallet, a spot of blood on his head! They tried to kidnap (or turkey nap) the poor fecker! And when I lifted him out, I discovered they feasted on the poor turkeys arse as main course to their duckling starter! I go fort to investigate if had they a love for chicken. Everything is alive here. But only just, one of the hens and her younger comrade are obviously shaken. I remove them for investigation but no marks on either. One hen pukes on me as I lift her, nice! I move them to new lodging for the night, make them comfy and warm. And, they die. If I find that rat…



There is also a traitor in my camp! Our little dog, which follows me around daily as I feed my stock decided to get frisky yesterday. I have my young broilers out, walking in the great out doors for the first time, me showing the whole lot off to my curious cousin! He’s complimenting how well there doing and how strong they are till, out of nowhere, under our noses, in runs Patch and grabs one! After a glorious battle I wrestle my young featured friend back and deliver a size ten to the dog. After a quick health check I discover minimal blood and a break in its wing. Not too bad, defiantly survivable! I move him to my trauma ward (which to date, hasn’t had a great success rate) to let him recover his ordeal in piece! 2 hours later, dead as a maggot!



And to top it all off, I come back Thursday after a night away to discover my incubator full of eggs near hatching turned off….



Not a good week for poultry folks…

Stock count now: 17

Go fuck a duck why don't ya....

...No, before you get started, that is not the reason I got into keeping some farm yard fowl but after some of the events I've had this week, I feel like telling that to some people!!!!

Monday had me waking up with the realisation that my tiny money reserve is shrinking at an alarming rate and I may need some help from our similarly positioned government to help me though my well planned and thought out venture! So up to the dole office I went... and what a joke!!! After queueing forever I finally get to a monosyllable officer who thinks small talk is just that, a small talk. After "please read this" and "sign here here and here" the lady knew no other dialogue. When I finally got to the end of the 127 page questionnaire I put to her one simple question, "When do I start to collect my few shillings?" "Well", she replies, "not till after your means test at the earliest, probably a few weeks after that". My means test is not till frigging Sept 15th so not only have I to wait forever but theres a chance that I may not get my full entitlement for 204 euro coins! but.....
...Theres a minor loophole! I can do a course with the great money pit of our established order "FAS"! So, 5 days later had me in with the great employment adviser (who actually told me that the office was a waste of time for finding jobs). I told him I would like to enrol for a course. After a long and thoughtful process we settled on "HGV DRIVING" Yes folks, I'm now going to be a lorry driving poultry farmer, my wares can reach the country far and wide in glories lorrified transport!!


Tuesday was a dark day. Waking up with a spring in my step and the sun shining through the curtains I decide once again to increase the size of my poultry population! Off to town and my stock rises by ten to 28....for about an hour! I get home, spill my new members of my family into there new home to discover 3 dead in transit, and the rest not too happy about the whole thing either! 3 dead birds removed I leave his now perspiring comrades to cool off while I go about my business, a half hour later discovers them all well bar one little fecker. Being the nice fella that I am, he's bought inside to a new home for the night, a cardboard box filled with straw and my own bedside lamp for heat at one side, that way he could decide his own comfort level! I fall asleep a worried man, he's not looking too good.
Morning finds me waking to his persisting tapping at the water bowl! The fucker surived the night! Reidy, you've done it, theres the makings of a vet in you! I lie in bed, one eye open watching the miraculous recovery, rather proud of my instincts and actions...till the little bollox has a fit in front of my eyes! He moonwalks around the box like Michael Jackson on speed for about a minute and fluffs it, gone, dead as a maggot, and folks...a maggot is fair dead!


After telling my fair lady she could have anything she wanted today she states she would like to visit the zoo. Now Because of my above mentioned very important meeting with the governmental employment agency I could not leave early enough to justify such a journey. We settled on Bunratty folk park! And my dear friends, everywhere there is money to be saved we will save it! Admission: 16.50 (adult) 10.50 (student). "2 students please" "Ok, can I see your cards please". "well, we don't actually have them" This turned into a story about my car being robbed with them being in it, for a finish the woman had more detail got about the robbery than any garda in the country would have extracted during a detailed investigation. Luckily I had a friend who's car got robbed who's story made a rather fine template!

Folks, time for the leaba, (even though my girlfriend who asked me to stay over has blown me off for some pissy girly night! I'm drinking her bottle of wine so she can deal with that! MAN POWER!)


Jay

The qty's are growing!

Wow, things are started to explode! Last time I posted I had the grand number of 4 laying hen's....since Then:

I ventured into the mart on Tuesday morning (after meeting with the manager of the bank who were stupid enough to give me euros to buy a house, I had to explain that on my new limited income as a poulty farmer I couldnt afford that EXTRORDINARY amount they were requesting off me montly) (not that I could afford it when I had a decent income either!) So, down I drove with my unsuspecting uncle in tow, to meet the Poultry Man. And, as if i was trying to enter Lillies on a Sat night I had to queue, for nearly a half hour! And as you do when your queueing, you start to think! So instead of buying one or two things I purchased the following: 4 broiler turkeys (for the Chistmas dinner) 5 broiler chickens (for the next couple of dinners) and 2 baby ducklings (because i saw them and they looked cool!) So off out home with them and on to my next adventure, the swap of my 1995 Mitsibishi FTO sports car for a 1989 jeep! mad? well I'll put it this way,we codded each other! So, girlfriend in tow ( I swear, most patient woman in the country) we cruised up to Kildare to meet our new wheels! And boy were they cool, 1989 Blue Land Rover Defender with roof rack! Well I thought it was cool, I'll quote her..."Ah,is that what you were expecting". And she looked very unimpressed when I said it was....maybe sometihng to do with the fact I had previously informed her that it would be the perfect mobile to take us to her upcoming grad?!

So, deal done and off home, fairy uneventful other than the fact her door opened as we went around a roundabout! eek..... yes, shes still with me, I told her thats what seat belts are for!

So, now with my grand total of 15 peieces of farm yard fowl and tiny budget left I had to do something different to increase my population! So back to the first man who so kindly took my money to buy a cock! Rang him, "Hey, you have a cock down there (please no jokes!)" to which he repleied Yup, sure do, ten euros thank you verymuch!" Drove down (in my new wheels, I'm a real farmer now) Learnt back door opens on bumps, very irritating! There he was, a big Light Sussex cock in all his glory. But I forgopt my crate so into a bag with him after tieing his two legs together! I'm down there now thinking to myself, no pont having that fine pure bred cock with out having a pure bred hen for him to play with. I enquire about same to which my money hungry freind replies that he'd have one of them. Into his HUGE pen of various stock he goes and arrives out with one pullet....or so he thinks! And how do you know the difference? Its next to impossible when there young so he dangles a ring off a peice of string and hangs it at its arse! And depending on the way he reacts its meant to be an idicater of sex! We'll wait and see! So money time again and he was 20 squids! And the money is getting slack now! So argy bargy hagling to no avail I get him to throw in another hen! A speckled sussex! qrand stock total 18!


On a down side I'm broke now as I've yet to make any money from this poultry business! No interest in my beatifully designed hen ark! (am I too dear or are people not buying them, I dunno!) I also have a sick stomach to which her majesty is adament is from my fresh free range egggs!She fails to see they all come from the same place no matter where there bought.....a chickens arse!!!!


Jay